It's strange how the attitude to shitting at work changes depending on what you do for a living: most office workers tend to try not to, whilst factory workers will happily shite for England.
That alone is pretty ironic when you consider the actual states of the toilets involved. Office toilets seem pretty good until around Midday when your Office Shitbag somehow nips in and sprays rusty brown water up the walls.
Factory toilets permanently look like six gorilla's have done a 'Dirty Protest' in there. And smell like it, too.
Some people have the view that you should pinch every loaf out possible whilst at work - the theory being that you're getting PAID to do it! You can't really argue with this, and what better way to give a nice 'fk you' to that stingy boss than by making sure they pay you for it!
But, like I say, I try to avoid it - mainly because some filthy badger always either pisses on the seat or leaves half of their insides around the toilet bowl.
I think for most people it's the fear of being caught by a cow-orker. Remember back at school if anyone was caught in the act of taking a shite? There'd be a crowd outside in seconds, gobbing over the top of the stall, jeering and taunting and trying to steal the toilet roll!
It's a wonder anyone can shite after school!
I've never seen everyone point at someone who's just used the work klazee and comment on the stench. Yet.
But thanks to time constraints this morning (the good kind where man-batter and flap-snot is all over the place), I had a shite kicking this afternoon.
After cheese on toast, salmon in hollandaise sauce, and chicken burgers last night, the stench was rather pungent.
As I sat wondering if it would ever end, and feeling a bit like the cat who'd crept into the back room during Eastenders for a shady crap, someone came into the toilets...
Now, you may not know this, but some men make all kinds of fkd-up sounds while they take a piss. Some
. Some whistle. Some make sounds like they're trying to piss out 6" jagged clumps of rock salt.I don't know why this is - maybe it's something that happens when we get older, a bit like hoisting your trousers up your thighs and making that "Ahhhhhh!" sound every time you sit down?
Or maybe this was plain distress, or memories of James Herbert's 'The Fog' as the cloud crept over his shoulders, tugging at his gag reflex.
I stifled a snicker as he hurriedly zipped up, pausing at the sink for a split second before a well-timed *PARP* from me made his mind up that willy germs on his hands carried a much lower mortality rate than breathing in a recycled fish/cheese/chicken concoction.
The footsteps turned quickly away from the cleansing water, gathering momentum towards the sanctuary of the outer door.
I couldn't suppress the giggle as I head the victim actually gasp in air as the bolted through the door, with a pitiful, desperate, wordless sound.
And part of me - that sick little prideful giraffe part - decided I should do this much more often...
that if u get it on yer fingers and go for a piss, u balls burn for hours ) that when i go for a dump i cant stop mid flow. once its flowing its nigh on impossible to stop. the smell is phenomonal , and when you have finished i have to waddle down the stairs cos its burnt my butt. and it does take the skin off from around your ring too as my doc found out lol.
